Back in February, I had a freak accident involving broken glass from a picture frame. The gash was deep and probably required stitches, but I was about to go out of town and didn’t want to be bothered with a doctor’s office. So I cleaned the wound, put on some antibiotic ointment, covered it all under a big bandage, and kept it moving.
That was almost 9 months ago.
Today, the wound is completely closed, but there’s an ugly scar left behind. The scar didn’t surprise me. I figured it served me right for not getting it stitched up like I should have. But what surprised me the most was that even after all this time, and all these months, the place where I was cut is still tender.
And so is life.
I do my very best to be as transparent as possible in my writings. For the most part I try to strike an encouraging tone but the fact of the matter is that I have scars of my own that are still tender to the touch.
Just recently, I worked up the nerve to throw away some old love letters that I’d been holding on to from an ex. First of all, let me just say that I love words. I treasure them. So when someone takes the time to write me something, especially by hand, which he did, I hang on to those letters for dear life. But over time, and slowly but surely, I’ve come to realize that what I felt to receive the letters and what he felt while writing them wasn’t the same. There was a point in time when I would sit on the edge of my bed and read each letter, one by one. My eyes would fill with tears as I searched each line for answers to questions that he left me with.
Just recently, I became ok with not knowing “why” to everything. And the truth is, I did know why. It just took me this long to believe and accept it as truth.
Unfortunately people do things for less than pure motives all the time. The don’t set out to do harm- most don’t. But harm, they do. Hearts find themselves breaking and wondering how they’ll ever mend.
One of the most unspoken things among mothers is the enormous amount of personal pain we carry in addition to our daily duties and responsibilities. Often we cry in silence and suffer there too. Our emotional problems and issues must be tabled for the sake of caring for and nurturing our children. Somehow we must find a way to surpress our inner struggles and emotional disturbances to meet the needs and demands of those we love and those we’re obligated to.
And some moms crack under the pressure.
From the time my son was born in 2006 until 2010, my life felt like it was spinning out of control. There was no time to process all of my emotions and deal with those things that had wounded my heart so deeply. But then in 2010, I began to crack under the pressure. Before I knew it, everything that I’d built and believed in for four years was lying in a pile of rubble. I was forced to deal with emotions I’d stuffed down for a very long time.
I want you to know, before I close, that healing is a process. If you’re reading this and you are a mother or a wife, then I understand that you feel at times overwhelmed and sometimes like there’s no opportunity to heal. If you’re reading this and you’re at the beginning of the grieving process of your broken heart, you may feel as if you will never reach a place where the heaviness and pain subsides enough for you to begin living your life again. But just like that deep wound on my arm, the healing process may take time, but it is taking place. It took a couple of months before the wound closed and another couple of months before the pain went away. And now, while the wound is closed completely and I can put clothes on and off with no pain, there are moments that if too much pressure is applied to the area, it is still tender.
There will be days when you feel as if you’re ok and then something will happen or something will be said that reminds you that there’s a place in your heart that’s still tender.
Please don’t ignore this. Your best option in moments like these is prayer. I’m not talking about bless my cat and dog prayers. I’m speaking of laying your heart out before the Lord and asking Him for the help you need. And sometimes, the only prayer a broken heart can manage is “Lord, help me!”
It may be slow, it may take time and it may be painful, but trust and believe, the healing process has begun in your life.
Don’t give up on the difficult days. Don’t doubt your progress when something is said or done that takes you back to a painful place and brings tears to your eyes.
I held on to those love letters for YEARS, and my eyes filled with tears at the thought of ever letting them go.
And then one day I just woke up and realized it was time to let it go.
And I realized that although it was a tender place, it wasn’t the same hurting, open wound that it used to be.
Healing is indeed a process and God is faithful to heal you if you’ll only trust and believe that He will…in due time.