I am constantly thinking. One of the many thoughts that travel through my mind on a daily is basis is somehow making sense of this tricky situation that is male and female relationships. Why does it have to be so complicated?!
Well, I’m not saying that I have men all figured out, but I can say that I do believe I stumbled across some helpful insights that I don’t mind sharing.
As I reviewed my past patterns in love, they all shared a similar quality: total complete media blitz on my part.
Let me explain…
It’s true that when you’re in love or even at a strong like stage in a relationship, the immediate urge is to talk to that person constantly, whether it is by phone, email, text, or rented blimp. Who doesn’t like the high of being in love? Who doesn’t just love it when his ringtone starts blaring in the middle of a conversation with your single and frustrated girlfriends?! We LIVE for such moments. Well, I know I did!
As far as I was concerned, I did all the right things. I was available. I sent loving text messages and occasionally, the racy email to help my beloved make it through his day with passionate thoughts of me. When he called, I cooed in his ear about how I just couldn’t wait to see him again and if there was any way possible to sneak a moment alone with him, we should both try to make it happen. I put on quite a show and made an excellent case in defense of my good girlfriend trial.
So why wasn’t it enough?
Why did it seem as if he liked me more when I treated him worse?
Why did most of the men I ever dated in my life appear to be more enamored with me when I was less-than-happy to be around them?
I’ve heard many explanations as to why some men seem to be more attracted to mean girls. Some have gone so far as to say that men like to hunt and chase so a woman that gives them some work to do is obviously their first pick over the woman who lays herself in his trap.
But I think it goes even a little deeper than that.
Truth is, some of us have made it well past the fun and games, dating stage and have been involved with some men for several months or even years. Why isn’t it working out for us? What are we doing wrong?
I wouldn’t necessarily call it “wrong”, but here’s something to consider.
The wise older women often tell us youngins “Don’t make a man your everything”. Slowly but surely, we’re starting to get it. But this isn’t a anthem of independence from men that they were encouraging. No, not at all. Instead, it was an anthem for showing a man you truly understand what it means to be a mate. Think of it this way…
First thing a lot of women tend to do when they enter into a committed relationship is drop friends, family, goals, hobbies and everything else that consumes time like hot rocks. Rarely do men do this initially. He’s often pressured into doing so by overly zealous girlfriends who have a whole lot of chips in on this relationship and aren’t about to watch a man not put in a fair wager. When a man thinks of a woman, he doesn’t think of her as his life, but merely an important part of it. That is in no way an insult and the sooner we learn that as women, the better. What in fact is the insult is leaving the world your man found you in all behind and telling him that he must now shoulder the load of building a world for you.
That is indeed selfish.
I know many of us were taught all our lives that we were supposed to drop everything that ever mattered to us for the sake of a man but I’m here to tell ya, “SOMEBODY LIED”!! The first thing we do after a breakup is try to find the life we dropped somewhere in the distance. We do our best to patch things up with friends and relatives we blew off and dismissed. Some relationships are resilient enough to bounce back, and others, unfortunately, were sacrificed for the sake of the failed relationship.
Am I telling us women not to love our men hard and love them passionately? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that we need to change the dialogue in our head and recognize that leaving yourself behind and then expecting someone you love to redefine you is unfair and eventually, may cause them to walk away.
The first thing I want to do when my relationship is fresh and new or riding a passionately loving high is call and text him constantly.
No more.
 He doesn’t suffer from short term memory loss. If there’s nothing medically wrong with him, he’s not going to forget you exist between visits. It’s not necessary to make your presence known in every aspect of his day. As a matter of fact, why not show him that you are confident in yourself and happy with your own life by living it? Yes, I said LIVE. Why did you stop going out for drinks with your girls? Why don’t you talk to your best friend anymore? Sure, relationships take time to grow and be nurtured but a man should be able to see the life you were living BEFORE he arrived. Stop making so many drastic changes for the sake of a relationship. It’s the equivalent of renting a UHaul, packing up and moving your entire house just because someone said they wanted to be with you. Makes no sense, right? So why pack up the people, places and things that you love just because someone said they’d like to be with you? It is possible to love someone without losing everything that makes you YOU. It is possible to love generously without shortchanging everyone else in your life who matters to you.
If families could be honest with you, some would tell you straight up that they HATE when you find a man because you kick them to the curb and they barely recognize who you are because of how you change everything about your life for that man.
Change can be good but there’s no reason to change the things in your life that have helped hold you together.
Next time you feel the urge to send ten back to back sweet nothing texts to your boo in the middle of his work day or keep him up til 2 am when you know you both have an early start, put the phone down and turn out the light.
Trust that love doesn’t need you to be its PR person. It’s strong enough to last even when you’re not talking, texting or seeing him.
Get some rest. Live your life. Stop making him your everything. The message you’re sending isn’t that you love him. What you’re actually telling him is that you believe that you contain everything he could ever need to be happy and likewise, he must be the same for you.
I like the fellowship and joy of hanging with my girlfriends, my family and my hobbies. No longer do I expect a man to replace those things.
We should both embrace those things within each other.