Hello everyone! Sorry I’ve been away from the blog for a few days. There’s really no excuse for it besides the fact that every now and then, I get in what my mom calls “one of those funky moods”. Sometimes I just don’t like putting everything that’s in my head and on my heart in writing. Kinda weird, I know but it’s the side of me that I find quite interesting. I am a talker and yes, I have a lot to say. But the truth of the matter is that I can talk for hours and not say what I should or actually wish that I could. It’s wild, I know but it’s a part of my unique personality.
So what’s been going on? Well, yesterday, Matt had his first Parent/Teacher conference. It went well. His dad was a champ and showed up as well. I got to see the work he’s been doing in class as well as his drawings that are hanging in the hallway. He admittedly had a bit of a rough start but I think he’s starting to find his groove and before the year is up, I anticipate seeing even more improvements. As a matter of fact, I already am. His handwriting is getting better and he’s getting a little more comfortable using scissors. I really wish that schools didn’t make such a big, hairy deal out of cutting with scissors. Why on earth is this a basis of a child’s development?! Heck, I can’t even cut straight and I’m 33 years old! Anyway, neither here nor there. Shout to to my lovely teacher friends who may be reading. I know you all are just doing your jobs and must teach what the state has outlined. Just a mommy venting here. Scissors suck. LOL!
This past weekend, I had to put my foot down with Marc. As most already know, we ended our committed relationship over a year ago with one small attempt to reconcile in between. But it never worked out for us and that’s something that I find unfortunate. It would be nice if we could work things out but there’s a lot of changes that need to take place before that can be a reality and only one of us seems to be willing to make those changes. Last time I checked, you can’t be in love by yourself. Just this past weekend, after some serious flirting and propositioning on his part, I asked, “So, do you want to get back together?” His reply was, “I don’t know”. HAHA! What do you mean you don’t know?! Seriously buddy?! Five years and two kids later, you don’t know?! At first I retorted, “I don’t know is not an answer”, and then I corrected myself by saying, “Actually, it is. Ok. Got it”.
I don’t know is an answer. It’s a nice way of saying, “I don’t want you”. It’s frustrating when you’re in love with someone who’s long since fallen out of love with you and even more difficult when that person arbitrarily decides to interrupt months of no physical contact with the invitation to “get it on”.
But I’m 33 years old. That means I’m too old for this sort of nonsense. By this age, we’re supposed to be able to read between the lines, get the bigger picture and make the hard decisions. So, I basically told him, “You want one thing and I want another. Let’s stop the flirting and just raise our kids, ok?” And that was it. It broke my heart a bit because I knew the little attention he was showing me would immediately end. My heart was heavy. I questioned within myself, “Lord, how long until I can have a real love of my own?” I’m not saying he answered by thunder and lightning but I have been realizing that what I can have is directly tied to what I believe that I deserve. If I believe that I can have a better relationship with someone else, then that’s what I will eventually have. Sure, it will take time but time is on my side. I’m in no rush. A good man and a solid relationship is worth the wait. I’ve already invested a good 13-14 years of my life into two failed relationships. Nothing wrong with waiting a year or two for a healthy relationship to come my way.
So yes, I’m open to something new. Will it be easy? It will have its challenges. Will the children take kindly to mama dating? We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. But we all deserve love, joy, peace, and a stable home. We deserve to be respected and loved and appreciated. I deserve it
I want it.
I believe that I receive.