I’m in one of those moods today. I’ve got some things on my mind and they’re causing me a bit of irritation. For starts, I’m just really tired of my love life feeling like a competition, contest or waiting game. I don’t like being compared to apples on a tree, buses on a street or fish in the sea. I don’t like the fact that many men go “shopping:” for a woman and whether or not you’re selected somehow determines your standing in the world. I don’t like the fact that I feel as if I’m waiting to get picked, selected, chosen and approved of.
So I made it all the way to 33 years old, through a torturous stint in elementary school, a lack luster middle school career, a depressing high school stay and two overwhelming years of college to arrive here?!
I feel like I have a firm handle on everything but my love life. Raising my children is by faith. Making it from day to day and not seeing where the money is coming from is by faith. But when a M-A-N is involved, where oh WHERE is my faith??!
I told my sister that this is the one area of my life I wish would just be RIGHT. I’m tired of all the drama, heartache and disappointment. Why can’t this part just WORK?! Maybe it’s me and I accept whatever portion of blame and responsibility necessary but I STILL want this to WORK!!
I’m frustrated because I just don’t like feeling like a man has all of this power and control over women. I understand authority and I get he was created first. But is it really necessary to have your pick of the women of the world and revel in it? Is it really essential to a man’s life cycle to make women feel like contestants competing for the grand prize which is his love and affection?
I just can’t get with that.
Not sure if I ever will.
I hear the few men out there who think they’re clever and say that women actually wield all of the power. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! It takes an enormous amount of craftiness and manipulation on a woman’s part to scale the fence of a man’s ego. I don’t want to sit up and figure out how to make a man “feel like he’s in charge” while I secretly get my way. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Why can’t I just have my way as easily and straight forwardly as he does? Is it really necessary for me to employ CSI level skill just to get a little bit of what I want and need out of the relationship? Is it really necessary for me to figure out a way to be seen and not heard? Do I really feel like monitoring every word, action and response to make sure I don’t disturb a man’s lightly sleeping ego?! REALLY?!
The answer is “NO”!
I am not mean, I am loving. I do have an opinion and I don’t mind sharing it. I have a brain in my head and a beating heart in my chest. I love hard and play hard too. I have my flaws just like anyone but I’m as worthy as anyone of love, affection, attention and respect. I don’t want to feel like I have to become someone other than myself to have a relationship. What’s with the men crying and stalking women who have shown them absolutely no respect and couldn’t care less about them? I don’t want to become a capital “B” in order for a man to treat me good. Unfortunately that’s been my perspective. Some men say that good guys finish last. They obviously were in front of good women and never looked over their shoulders once they crossed the finish line. Yoo hoo! Good women feel the same way!
If you’re faithful, cook, clean, listen to his problems, are there for him when no one else is, respect, love, care, go above and beyond, change your personality, change your clothes, change your friends and change EVERYTHING, he leaves. But if you act like he barely exists, you won’t see or hear the last of him. REALLY?! That’s so not me. I can’t be mean to a man just to keep him.
I’m not saying I’ve always played fair in the game of love. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. If you interviewed an ex or two, they’d probably each have the same issues with me: “I’m never satisfied”. That would be correct. I’m not satisfied with a man getting everything he needs from me in a relationship and I’m getting NONE of what I need while there. NEVER will be. So I speak up, insist, and point out the areas that need to be attended to. And for me to be told by men, who CLAIM they want straight forward conversation and less emotion that I need to find a better way to communicate is to me a cop out. Oh, PLEASE! Bottom line is that you do not feel obligated to adjust, shift or change in a relationship. It is all on the woman to adapt and change and if she can’t, she’s outta there. That’s the whole issue. So the relationship becomes a woman’s burden to carry instead of a garden that two people tend.
It takes two.
So yea, I’m a little, umm… irritated today. But  I’ll be ok. I’m actually starting to feel a little better now that I’ve gotten it off my chest. I just want to be seen for who I am and loved for it.
And that is all.