It’s 8:30 a.m. and already my house is full of life and activity. My home phone has rang once, I’ve checked twitter and facebook and my children are already placing their breakfast orders. While I had a moment, I wanted to talk about something that is significant to me.
It’s no secret that I desire to be married. Because of that desire, people assume that I am unhappily single.
That is an incorrect assumption.
Single simply means that I am not married. It has nothing to do with my personality or even my location or vocation in life. All single means is, “a person is unmarried”.
My issue has never truly been with being single.
My issue has ALWAYS been with being alone.
One of the biggest reasons I am currently single is because of feeling alone when I was with someone. There’s nothing worse than having a companion who isn’t good company or a mate who won’t meet you where you are. There’s more to being involved with someone than relocating to be close to them. More than once I’ve been sitting beside a man who’s heart was miles away from me or mine from his.
Location doesn’t make you closer.
Twice I’ve thought that if we simply moved in together, it would bring us closer together. I quickly learned you can share the bills and pass the mashed potatoes and still be distant.
Conversation doesn’t make you closer.
At one time, I talked to the father of my children almost daily, several times a day. I heard his voice and he expressed his thoughts. But after the conversations I never felt complete. I always felt there were words left on the table, like unwrapped gifts that he didn’t want to open and that I wasn’t allowed to present.
Single is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I know that’s a bold statement to make but I have a new outlook on life now.
I’m now unwilling to leave any state in life before, unless and until I have extracted all of the good out of it.
There’s plenty of good in singleness.
While it has often been a point of frustration being the only person to make a major decision regarding my family and our future, it has also caused me to look to the Lord first, rather than a man. And not only that, but there’s nothing like not having to silently go along with something you disagree with to your core.
That’s the part of marriage and relationships that we forget to talk about when we’re flipping through bridal magazines and crying in front of TLC.
Two becoming one is TOUGH!
If two becoming one is tough, imagine the process of one becoming whole.
That’s what I’ve learned in my singleness. There’s so much work to do; so much self examination, decontamination and re-training. I do believe it is possible to marry at a young age and bless those who have done so and found success. But it is so much harder to find yourself when another person wants you to help them look for themselves at the same time. Two lost people take a very long time to be found.
Maturity, as much as we’d like to think otherwise, has a time element. Experience alone doesn’t mature you. I know some people feel qualified because they have gone through some things. But the truth of the matter is time is still a factor. It’s the difference between rookies and veterans. Rookies are excellent players. They wouldn’t be chosen for the team or even in the games if they weren’t. But what a rookie doesn’t have is the benefit of years combined with experience. It’s the difference between a new mother and a grandmother. Every time my new baby cried, I was a bundle of nerves.However, my mother, his grandmother, was as cool as a cucumber. She had a whole suitcase of time and experience that I didn’t have. Anyone can experience something once. But a plant that spends one day in the sun is going to look different than the plant that gets to spend 30 days in it.
As fabulous as I am, I realize that time plays a huge role in my perfection.
I was a great woman at 23 years old.
I’m an even better woman at 33.
I thought I was ready to be a wife 10 years ago.
I realize now that I didn’t even know what a wife was nor what a husband was.
I was talking with my sister last night (who I subsequently talked to sleep but she knows I ain’t mad at her.. lol!) and I realized that whenever I hear men talking positively about men, I immediately have a visceral, sarcastic reaction.
Where is that coming from? Why does the description of a good man bring out the angry woman in me?
Probably because I’ve never met him.
So here’s my challenge…
If I’ve never met a good man, what am I waiting on?
Many women are waiting on a good man to come along.
I’m suggesting that we stop waiting and go meet them.
But here’s the thing…
You don’t have to date one romantically to get to know one.
If you’ve never seen, met, interacted with, dated or otherwise had a healthy relationship with a good man, first thing you need to do is find one and spend some time with him.
Let HIM be your mentor.
Let him be the one to show you what a man looks like.
That way, when a man approaches you, you now have a point of reference.
Truth of the matter is, in my early dating experience, I dated a lot of young boys who were not men. It is not a judgement, nor is it a criticism. Truth of the matter is I was a little girl and they were little boys.
So yea, I’m single but I’m very busy.
I’m looking at my life and submitting to the preparation that God is taking me through that will allow me to fully embrace every good thing He desires to give me, husband included.
There are good men in my life. Some are already there and some are on the way.
I’m going to listen to them, observe, see what they value, see how they handle pressure, watch how they speak to the women in their lives, young and old.
I’m going to get a better mental picture of manhood in my mind.
I’m going to enjoy being single.
Alone is no longer appealing, nor is it an option.