“The man you are with (or were with) confirms (or confirmed) everything you thought, felt and believed about yourself. That’s why you picked him. That’s why you stayed”


My blog today will be framed around this rather profound thought that the Holy Spirit gave me earlier today. I think it does us no good to merely break up from a relationship and walk away. We owe it to our own edification to dissect that relationship and discover its strengths, weaknesses, good, bad and ugly points. It’s not enough to just go through something. I want to GROW from it. One thing is true. Changing partners doesn’t necessarily guarantee a better life and different outcome. After all, the common denominator in every relationship will always be YOU. Unless you bring something new to the table, some of the same problems will follow you from one relationship to the next.
As I pondered past and recent break up’s, the Holy Spirit dropped a revelation in my heart. I began to realize that the men we allow ourselves to become joined to give us a name. When I talk about “name”, I’m not just referring to our surnames or even our first names. This “name” I’m referring to here has to do with our nature and character. Most people make assumptions about others based on their behavior, demeanor and appearance. When we enter a relationship, the man we are with does this. Some name us, “sweet, supportive, loyal, sexy” etc. Then there are others who name us “stupid, spoiled, stuck up, worthless, trashy, etc”. 
The problem is this…
Most women have been taking issue with the wrong thing.
It’s not just about what a man calls you. 
The problem comes in when you agree with what he says your name is.
And that’s what we do when we stay in relationships that have called us by the wrong name. The bible says, “How can two walk together except they agree?” Amos 3:3 So by continuing to “walk with” men who have chosen to call us outside of our name and speak words over us that are harmful and full of poison, we essentially set ourselves in AGREEMENT with what they say. 
That leads me to what the Holy Spirit revealed to me this morning…
“The man you are with (or were with) confirms (or confirmed) everything you thought, felt and believed about yourself. That’s why you picked him. That’s why you stayed”
If we’re honest, there was a period of time we agreed with the abusive proclamations made over us by the men we invited into our lives. Those snide remarks about our weight? Deep down, we agreed with him. Those insults about our intelligence and lack of education? Ditto. 
It wasn’t until we DISAGREED with them that we were able to walk away from them. 
It is important to listen carefully to the voices that are speaking in our lives. Words are spirits. They carry life and death. They contain blessings and curses. I do not allow people who are careless with their words access into my life.
One of the most dangerous times for a woman to deal with severe verbal abuse is during a breakup.

One day, I may devote a blog entry to breaking up the right way. I’m no expert in domestic violence but I do know a thing or two about verbal abuse. A man is at his most ferocious when you make up in your mind to have nothing else to do with him. 
There’s a right and a wrong way to leave. Stay tuned for that blog.
But one thing that I noticed from my own personal experience was that my ex who’d been a man of few words for the entirety of our relationship suddenly became fluent in insults when I made it clear I was done. I don’t even care to repeat the words that were spoken over me. Every insult regarding my physical appearance, sexual performance and mental competency was thrown at me like a mad man wielding an AK-47. 
That experience taught me something. It taught me the power of words and also caused me to realize that a man who had no control over his tongue need not be a part of my life in any capacity. 
I speak LIFE and so will everyone around me.
When I think about my ex’s, I realize that then, I was in total agreement with their opinions of me. It was proven by my actions and my willingness to keep them in my life, despite the fact that their words and actions were harmful. They were merely confirming and reflecting my own opinion of myself and personal belief system.
I know there are those who say you shouldn’t judge people based on the company they keep but in my book, if you keep company with people of low moral and ethical standards, you are setting yourself in agreement with them. If I do not agree with the way someone thinks, lives, and behaves, we cannot walk together. If I’m in agreement with some one’s thoughts, opinions and beliefs about me, I won’t leave them.
That’s one reason so many women find it hard to end abusive and dead end relationships. 
Everything he says, she believes, good or bad.
Change starts not with what is spoken, but by what is believed.
Now trust me, there are plenty of people (male and female) who will work hard at convincing you to change what you believe about yourself and other things in life. That is to be expected. But it is YOUR job to refute it and put it in its place. 
Don’t allow anyone to call you outside of your name. Don’t allow anyone to place a label on you that doesn’t belong there.
Refute it. Challenge it. Demand that it be stopped.
If they refuse, that is clearly someone that doesn’t belong in your life.
You must know the truth about YOU. It will be challenged. 
Somebody will call you ugly. I don’t care how pretty you are.
Somebody will have a bad day and decide to spew negativity on you.
Shut it DOWN.
Do NOT allow yourself to be called by any other name than what you are.
Any man who deserves you knows what your name is and will always call you by the right name.

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