They appear to be everywhere now. The best sellers lists, media and magazines are buzzing with once playas turned relationship gurus dishing out advice like scoops of ice cream on a hot summer day. We all know who they (HE!!) are so there’s no need for me to name drop. But I do have an opinion that I don’t mind sharing.
First of all, when you take it upon yourself to give advice on a large scale, you also open yourself up to closer examination. Folks want to know, and rightly so, what qualifies you to share what you know. Show us your credentials. And what can I say about these men who because they so love women are being so selfless and writing books and making millions? It is for our benefit after all that they toil over a cocktail and cigar while dictating their wisdom to a professional writer.
Yea, I’m being just a tad bit sarcastic. lol!
But what’s really getting to me? Do I care about someone writing a book and making a profit?
What’s getting me is that a certain generation of men appear to have taken leave of their senses and left broken homes and lives in their wake. And as a way of somehow attempting to make up for their decades of selfishness, they attempt to show the world how they’re now “getting it right” with the new wife, the new kids, and the new family…and squeeze in a few book tours to boot.
But wouldn’t it be a greater testament to a man’s character and integrity to build back what he tore down and write about that process?
It’s not so much that they left but that now that they’re gone, they are on a campaign to vindicate themselves while holding up the “new life” as the gold standard by which all should measure their success.
So many women and children are insulted. So many families are broken because so many men refuse to clean up what they mess up WHERE they messed it up.
I saw a young girl on The Dr. Phil show, only 15 yrs old who had already gotten pregnant and miscarried because her father literally abandoned her after the divorce and his remarriage. When she did go to visit him and his new wife, she was immediately made aware of the fact that she was a unwelcome consequence of her father’s past and he even went so far as to say he would terminate his parental rights due to the strain on his new family and his daughter’s out-of-control behavior. He saw an “ungrateful little b*tch”. I saw a little girl screaming at her daddy to come back. I also saw a 15 yr old young lady who was offended by her father’s ability to treat her like the old sofa that no longer matched the new furniture.
Am I saying that men should not divorce and remarry? No, and even if I did, what would that change? lol! But I am saying that it’s not a testimony of any man’s strength of character and integrity to move on from a mess he contributed to and then tout that his new relationship is somehow the blueprint of success. I think that’s the overwhelming vibe a lot of women are feeling as we sit and read the works of these gurus and experts.
You’re happy now. Great.
And who paid the bill for your newly purchased happiness?
Don’t kid yourselves women. You’re always a saint until you become the Ex. And that goes back to the competitive nature of relationships that I’ve observed. Why does each new relationship have to be compared against the previous one? Why do some men feel the need to prove the new spouse is “better” than the previous one? At some point, we all have to concede that 10 exes had one common denominator and that was YOU.
What I believe our society needs is a resurgence of men who aren’t cowards but look their mistakes in the face and FIX them. If you cheated on your woman and abandoned her and your children, go back to the scene of the crime and make it right. So what she doesn’t immediately believe your sincerity?! So what she’s angry and hostile for what seems like eternity?! Most women know and assume that a man’s behavior towards her has a time limited & time frame. “I tried to show her I was sorry but nothing changed so I’m out”. And guess what? Nobody understands this mentality better than a woman. We were left alone to face the questioning of Almighty God in the Garden after the infamous “the woman u gave me” cop out, it comes as no real shock to us when a man refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and predicates his righteousness on a woman’s actions. Every woman who has ever loved a man has at some point questioned the motive behind that man’s good deeds. Is he doing right for right’s sake or for what right will profit him? Until real men can stare their own consequences in the face and deal with them, our families will always face challenges. Get over your need for instant gratification. That’s what got you into the mess in the first place! What does it say to a child, a woman, and family when a man comes back and says “I know I messed up and I know it won’t be easy to fix but I’m here to build”.
I’ll tell you what it says…
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
No wonder so many (myself included) battle with issues of self worth. Who told us and showed us that we were worth the effort? Which parent? Which ex boyfriend? Which ex husband? Which spiritual leader?
Who showed us we were worth fighting for?
And who left?
I have way more respect for a man who comes back and rebuilds the home he helped to tear down than the man who runs and hides in another one.
That’s a book I’ll read and recommend.